August 20, 2018 Return of the Church Girls

Hi all! 

*I'm still having technical difficulties, so if you're expecting a reply from me and don't get one, know I likely sent one. I try to make sure and get back to everyone one or two weeks after they email me! So sorry guys!

One of the highlights of my week was sitting next to Jesse during sacrament meeting and hearing him telling Ethan, his four-year-old, to fold his arms and "think about Jesus and all your blessings." Jesse will be getting baptized, at long last,  on September 1 and he is so prepared and so excited. He has somehow gotten himself roped into teaching all the youth of the ward a dance for the Stake Multi-cultural night, and doing a salsa duet with Hermana Moncaliano. We had no idea until he told us, and in his words, "I think I'm at the church more than both of you!" 

The funniest was one night during a lesson when Jesse asked, "Will we really live forever? As in, forever and ever?" When we confirmed that yes, we do believe that, Jesse looked surprisingly unimpressed. "You both actually want to? I mean Heaven sounds nice and all but would it get kind of boring?" I explained in a very "me" way that we'll continue to learn and progress, "not just sit and make cupcakes." Jesse about lost it, saying that he was sure glad because he doesn't even know how to make a decent cupcake. "Sounds good to me! I'm sure God will give us jobs then...maybe I could be the angel who saves people if they start drowning!" Good old Jesse. The most interesting part of the whole lesson was when Hermana Stanfield explained to Jesse that one of the things we'll be doing after this life is missionary work, and that life after life here on earth is an eternal progression of becoming more like our Heavenly Father, Jesse didn't even bat an eye. Sometimes you expect something you teach to knock someone's socks off, and they'll just sit there and smile at you. I've come to realize it's more of remembering something they already know deep down then learning something new. "That makes sense," they usually say, "that feels right." 

One of the lessons we teach is about missionary work and service in the church. Jesse got so jazzed about the whole thing the same day he decided to start sharing what he believes. Jesse had stopped at a restaurant to get a sandwich and the waitress commented on how happy he looked. "I sure am!" replied Jesse. "I'm about to join this great church!" The waitress asked which church, and when Jesse replied her face pinched and she said, "We'll that's too bad." Her attitude completely changed. In Jesse's words (and I quote): "I was about to say, 'what is your problem you old kook, do you have to be so close minded...go drink some prune juice and have a nap you cranky old lady!! But I know I can't say that. It was a tough choice, I would have rather said the other thing, but I'm trying to be better. And then in that moment I felt what you most definitely have felt at times...you go to people's houses and pour your hearts out to show them the love of Christ. You share that Gods commandments are the way to love and happiness, but most people turn a blind eye. It's not because they don't want to be closer to God, but because they are afraid to commit, to sacrifice...to give their life to God." Jesse, who we are "teaching" thus summed up missionary work better than I ever could have. 

In other good news: we are talking to Elsie again! We reached out one last time at the end of the week, although she hadn't been replying for days, and said nothing other than, "we just really want to talk to you!" Five minutes later, we found ourselves talking to Elsie over video chat, all of us in our pajamas, her asking if we think she should dye her hair dark. It was the strangest turn-around after how official her goodbye had seemed, but we just embraced it. We've since had a mini-lesson, and we're hoping we can continue to teach her regardless of whether she can be baptized soon. She has the desire to come unto Christ, and that's what matters the most. The best part was when she told us her kids had been asking, "where the church girls were." The church girls are back, and determined never to leave again! :) 

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We found out recently something a bit upsetting about someone we taught previously named Jesus. He was amazing; he had read deeply into many of the world's major religions, and for the two lessons he had with him he was fully engaged and soaking everything in like a sponge. He was supremely nice to us, and I was absolutely convinced he was the next Al Fox. He promised to come to church that week, and promptly fell of the face of the earth. We couldn't get in touch with him, and I was pretty disappointed. I think I cried (I definitely cried). I don't know what it was about Jesus, but I had a clear picture in my mind of him in a white shirt and tie, teaching gospel doctrine in a few years. I felt so strongly he was going somewhere. We found out later from his sister-in-law, Lupe, that Jesus has a serious drug addiction. When he's on them, he is basically a different person, and can't even stay employed. He gets paranoid and angry, and apparently said very negative things to Lupe about what we had taught due to the influences he was under. Lupe knew better than to believe him, but we knew Jesus wasn't in a place where we could continue to teach him. I've spent the past little while pretty confused as to why I felt so strongly he was ready for the gospel when he clearly wasn't. I put it down to bad judgement, but rethinking about it recently I have a different idea. I don't think that the idea I had about who Jesus was was necessarily "wrong," or that it even came from me. I think Heavenly Father wanted me to catch just the tiniest glimpse of how he sees us. Not as we are, struggling through surrounded by vices and mistakes, but as we can become. i don't know whether Heavenly Father was giving me a preview of future Jesus, but what Jesus can become through Jesus Christ. In the words of Corrie Ten Boom (if you haven't read The Hiding Place, do it), "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." 

So very grateful for each one of you, and I hope you have the best week! 

Love, 

Hermana Hawkes 

Recommendations: 

--"Joy in the Journey" by President Monson

--"Forget Me Not" by Elder Utchdorf

--"Where is the Pavilion" by Elder Eyring

--Mango chili froyo at Yogurtland. Not kidding. It was ridiculous

Note to Mom:

Hi Mama--

I can listen to music on a flashdrive, and if you send as many talks in Spanish as possible (free online) I would absolutely love it. The more stories they have in them the better so I can learn the two past tenses of Spanish (utchdorf always tells stories). I would also love a tiny spanish hymnal you can buy at the distribution center. A funny thing I'd love is medium-sized pictures of some of my favorite gospel paintings spiral bound so I can use them while teaching. The most important things are the restoration (Walter Rane), Christ's visit to the Americas (also Walter Rane) and the baptism of Christ. Honestly if you send a bunch of Walter Rane. Also maybe a couple of JKirk Richards of the ministry of Christ on earth. He has beautiful ones of christ healing in the streets. I'm just absolutely dying with all the Simon Dewey art, and when teaching it's nice to be able to show someone something. 

I got offered drugs for the first time in my life, while drawing the plan of salvation on my mission. I figure I've led a pretty good life. It was actually so very sad...they were hardly older than Mary and pretty out of it...it was a school night. 

If you two will send me your thoughts on how to increase faith. I've decided if I was going to be any of the apostle's I'd be Peter. I go plunging out of boats only to start sinking, my temper gets the better of me (haven't chopped any ears off luckily), and although I really truly love Christ, sometimes my fear gets the better of me and I keep my mouth shut. My problems with the Spanish revolve around lacking faith. I've been having a hard time enjoying my mission lately because I worry the Lord is dissapointed with me. Every day I wake up speaking Spanish, and every day I go to sleep ashamed that I spoke mostly English. Hna Stanfield is cute, but her advice is always, "speak more Spanish!" which she doesn't live by either. I am piping up more in lessons, and we both sincerely want to talk more in Spanish...I don't know where the hold up is. I appreciated the Spanish tips from the elder Dad! They were great. I get ignored by a lot of the members, and I let fear get the better of me and I don't talk much sometimes. I feel like at four months, I should have much more than I do, and I don't have anyone to gauge against. Hna Stanfield picked hers up with very little effort, but I think for me it's going to be more of an uphill climb. God has humbled me from my visions of full-fluency and raising kids with Spanish to just simply wanting to understand this person in this moment so I can communicate that God loves them, which is good. I just want to fulfill my calling. 

On another note, the MTC glow has worn off and missionary work is rapidly normal life. I have a harder time telling if I have the spirit with me constantly, and gosh do we need it! You really can't do anything well as a missionary without it. I don't want to allow myself to be casual about a day of this...I want to fully give my 18 months to God with all my heart, but I find myself thinking about myself or home or "before the mission" much too often and letting this short experience I have become commonplace. If you have any thoughts I want so much to come home different, knowing I gave this my all, and not just a "good job." I think that's the difference between people who love the mission and like the mission. 

I think my emails home might be too bubbly, Mary described my experience as "a blast...." but a mission isn't exactly a rollercoaster. It's pretty mundane sometimes...but I really can't imagine myself anywhere else. The people I've met and all the stories...

Love you both so much. LOVED hearing about the camping trip and what everyone's doing and about Dad's bees and Christian's little adventure!