October 15, 2018 Farewell to Fontana

Hi all! 

Well, the subject line is the giveaway. I'm being transferred and right now my coping strategies are brownies, keeping busy, and denial! I get this little ache in my heart even thinking about leaving, but I know it's right and I know it's time. 

I'll be headed out to a little branch in Agua Caliente, where Hna Watkins just arrived from and loved. I've known the change was coming, President let something slip in interviews that gave me a hint, but it's still a bit hard to pick up when I feel I've just put down roots. 

Missionary work is interesting. Just as you start to really understand the challenges of those you teach, just as you learn everyone's name (maybe that's just me), just as you start to feel really a part of a place, you move. I've been thinking about this a lot. One of the sad truths of missionary work is that although these people have been my whole world since June, very few of them are likely to remember me. Only one or two at the most even know my name. 

At the beginning of the transfer, I had an experience with Elsie that really taught me a lot. I've been going to see Elsie several times a week since I got here, and I really started to feel she was one of the reasons I was called to California. Elsie wasn't seen as a priority before I arrived, but the minute I met her I was anxious to go back and teach her all we could! She has had an unimaginably hard life, but is so full of goodness and desire to draw closer to God. Her world centers around her kids. I'll never forget the way her eyes sparkled when we taught her the Plan of Salvation, huddled on the carpet around her coffee table; she soaked it up like a sponge. 

When the going would get tough, Elsie would retract; she'd stop responding to texts and would even say she wanted to stop having lessons. I was never willing to give up on her, I always made sure we sent one more message, or stopped by one more time. 

Elsie and Joanna were devastated when Hna Stanfield left, with good reason. The night we went to say goodbye, though, she said something about how, since I was more quiet, I'd probably just give up on her right away. Elsie seemed to feel like she was being abandoned. 

I remember feeling crushed. Here was someone I had absolutely given my heart to, and it hadn't seemed to have made a difference. Elsie didn't seem to know how much I cared for her, or trust that I'd be there for her. I'd worked with Elsie as much as anyone else; I wondered if I had even made any kind of impact on anyone. I was really hurt, and was angry at myself for being hurt (I know this work isn't about me, I do), but all I could think was, "After everything, how could you not know how much I love you?" A gentle reminder came pretty quickly after: "You know, this isn't anything the Savior didn't face." Wow. I was quickly humbled. His entire purpose, his mission, every single thing he did, was motivated by love. Love for people who very rarely recognized him for who he was or understood his sacrifice for them. I'm not in any way comparing my tiny little experience with His, but it taught me something about the Savior, who had better reason than I ever could to say, "After everything, how could you not know how much I love you?" 

In John 15, which President Dixon shared with us and really sums up what I've been learning lately, it reads, "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me." I've realized that "my legacy" in one area or with one person really matters very little, because this isn't about me. Whether or not people recognize how much I love them, it's my job to love them just as much anyway and do my best to help them feel the Savior's love, because that's what this is all about. 

Transfers happen for a reason. I learn a little more every day how truly this is the Lord's work, not mine. People shouldn't be converted to missionaries, but to Christ. Our hope is really only to be instruments in his hands, for the tiny time that we're here, before we move on. Jesse's pretty sad about transfers, but I think he put it perfectly when he said, "I know I'm not actually being left behind, I've got Christ!" The fact that we're constantly moving means that a person's conversion is so much more about their journey with Christ than any one missionary, and really it's the same for me. There's all sorts of change in a mission; new people to teach, new areas, new companions...but one thing is always constant, and that's the Savior. It's sort of like, "Just you and me. Here we go again!" 

Instead of dwelling on being sad about leaving, or worrying whether people will remember me, I've just decided to be grateful. Grateful for all the little things about Fontana that I love, like fruit stands and palm trees and too many donut shops, but most of all the people. I love them with all my heart and I'm so grateful for all they've taught me. At the end of the day, if just one person can say, "hey, I remember that one really short sister that showed up on my porch and waved a blue book and said something about Jesus in bad Spanish...she really meant what she said. She really cared about her message!" then I'm marking myself off as a success. 

If you made it this far you're a champ, I always have so much to say! Love you all! 

Love, 

Hna Hawkes

P.S.  my real Fontana Legacy...that I have conditioned all the maintenance guys in our complex (Javier, Alex, and Kevin) to be super fast about fixing problems in our apartment by giving them popsicles every time they come to repair the dishwasher etc. Haha! 

Great Quotes:

"Tienes hoo-ry?"--Hna Moncaliano (translation: are you in a hurry?) 

"Buscamos Reina Valera?" --Hna Watkins (we were looking for Hna Varela)

Teaching someone new is cooking from scratch, but helping someone come back to church is like leftovers. You just warm 'em up a little and their good to go!" --Hna Watkins 

"I need to stop saying heathen things now that I know you're recording them and sending them to your friends and family"--Hna Watkins 

I loved both yours and Mom's letters. How do you two always know? I read that passage in Moses just this morning. You two are something else. 

Why you both complain about "all the apples" though I will never understand. The only way I know it's fall over here is that the apples are finally crisp rather than soft! 

Things are better this week on the companion front. It has been HARD to feel like a good missionary this transfer, but I don't dislike Hna Watkins, and she really isn't an unpleasant person. A little proud, yes. A little overfocused on the letter, yes. Does she have a dislike of feedback and a like of giving it, yes, but I've come to understand her better over this last little bit and frankly, I feel for her. Triple major, plays violin, already making amazing money. She values her worth so much on external things, and it's probably a little tiring. She finds it hard to be smiley and peppy like she thinks she's supposed to, and I imagine that's really hard too. She really has such a dedication to the Savior, the work, and a love for the people, and that's what really counts right?

We have a change in the mission and don't eat with members, so Mom if you could send maybe some simple recipies? I've made a lot of quesadillas...We have crockpots! Also your bran muffins??

Dad: you have to learn Spanish! I'm still a wreck at speaking, but I can read pretty well and I LOVE it. It's like Shakespeare you have to pick everything apart and look at the root and in Spanish grammar every word relates and effects every other word. It's lovely. Popcorn is "palomitas" or "little doves"and twins are "gemellos" which relates to Gemini. To hint is "insinuar. (insinuate, when could I say that in English??) and to bite is "picar" so spicy is "bity" or "picante" To show affection something is little, so members often call Jesus "Diosito" (little God) or each other "gordita" (little fatty) which is just too funny. 

Love you both!