July 1, 2019 The Road to Damascus

The days just get hotter! I'm struggling to organize my thoughts today, so this may be sort of "stream of conciousness." The week was a bit of a blur!

I think the missionary I was when I first got to the field has resurfaced a little bit. We had sort of a "final lesson" with Socorro, and I just found myself battling tears through the whole thing. She says she wants to know if the Book of Mormon is true, but won't read it. She says she prays for God to guide her, but never asks if our message is true. It's as if she's afraid to find out that it is true because that would mean change; the one thing I think she's truly afraid of. She recently lost her two sisters, and misses them so much it hurts. We sat there, bearing out hearts out that she can see them again, and she'd just interrupt and ask if "we'd like any more dates?" I love visiting her, but I've got more important things to talk about than dates. Hermana Staker, although her Spanish is sometimes a little broken, told her very clearly we're there for a reason; to help her change and prepare to make promises with God, and although she loves us that isn't what she wants. Sometimes, missionary work is really hard. 

There's always the little miracles though. One was Kiko-- who has lots of wrinkles, a big smile, and huge wire-rimmed glasses--finally let us have a lesson with him. Francisco always has clients (car repairs) to do when we stop by, but that night he didn't have a single one. He just popped into my mind, and although it was late we stopped by. He pulled up chairs and I wasn't going to miss the opportunity. We taught him the Restoration, and he sat there blinking, absolutely wrapped up in it. Afterwards, he explained that "although he didn't understand it perfectly, he felt it, and he thought he had better read that book they gave him a while ago." He's had a wrinkled, unopened copy of the Book of Mormon sitting on his tool shelf for an awfully long time. 

Jose told us that he feels he's received subtle answers from the Lord and that the Book of Mormon is true. He says the "Lord will tell him when," on baptism though. It is between them two after all! What I want so badly to help him understand though is something the Lord has definitely been teaching me about, and that's to move forward with faith. 

I think sometimes I'm so much like Socorro; unwilling to act until I get hit in the head with a "spiritual lightning bolt." Like Francisco, with my most important posession getting dusty on a shelf because I get so busy with other things. It all goes by so fast though and today's the day to get to work! 

Life is not a paint-by numbers. The Lord wants to guide us, but if he had an exact plan laid out that we had to follow step by step, that would destroy our agency wouldn't it? The Lord does have plans for us, and our decisions do make an impact. We can choose things that keep us from blessings we could have had, and we do have different things we're meant to do and people we're meant to meet, but that doesn't mean it's all predestined or pre-set. I've been studying the talk "The Road to Damascus" by Elder Utchdorf recently, and absolutely love it. He tells the story of Paul, and how he is stopped dramatically by an angel and his life is turned around. Sometimes, on my road in life, I think I so often wait for angels when really I just need to keep moving forward! 

I love this quote: "Often, the answer to our prayer does not come while we’re on our knees but while we’re on our feet serving the Lord and serving those around us. Selfless acts of service and consecration refine our spirits, remove the scales from our spiritual eyes, and open the windows of heaven." I have to remind myself on the daily that "the Lord doesn't move parked cars!" Pray hard, get up, get moving, and trust it's all in His hands. He will not let us fall. He won't let us take a wrong road if we're constantly seeking Him. 

Enough soapbox from me! Love you all so much! 

Hermana Hawkes